Was.

5 people I wish I never met? I tried to remember.

Then I only said two names, but the dam broke and overflowed my earth. Now I’m trying so hard not to drown.

I’ve never been completely saved from the ocean, but why do the memories have to push me back into the mud?

Why can't I be who I am without remembering who I was and thinking of who I should be?

I should not be who I am because of everything I was. I should still be me, but...different. Happy.

Sometimes I just wish God would erase everything and still let me be me, and let the lessons stay.

I know a lot for a seventeen-year old, but at what cost?

At the cost of going through things that built a strong foundation for my grief.

Dealing with sadness whose reason and extent I never told anyone.

I’ve not gone far in life, but there is already so much in my past to be sad about.

When I got into that school, losing a friend to death was never part of the plan.

Being bullied was never part of the plan.

Intense loneliness was not.

Secret challenges were not.

I would love to say I wish I never schooled there, but those experiences taught me lessons.

But at what cost?

They resurface every time.

No longer as sharp pins pricking my skin, but as monsters feasting on my peace.

I don’t know if it’s just me this happened to so early.

Childhood should be peaceful.

That’s why I will always love the first ten years of my life.

But I’m still a child, and for the past seven years, I have metamorphosed into something I don’t know — something defined by constant anxiety and unhappiness.

Something, not someone.

Because I want to save that for later.

Someone will be when I’ve found a way out.

I’ll be someone when I overcome.

But for now, the bulk of me is just… something.

Made up of it.

My revealing will be soon, hopefully, because I’m ready to find a way out.

I’m ready to find myself outside of unhappiness.

But I'm becoming, maybe the process makes me someone. I'll like to believe it does.